Rise of the Healer: From Grief to Grace with Celessa Caldwell

In this deeply moving episode, I sit down with an old friend whose life journey embodies resilience, transformation, and radiant strength. Through the raw heartbreak of losing loved ones during adolescence, she found herself navigating the kind of grief that could break a soul. But instead of staying lost in the ashes, she rose—like a phoenix.

Now a Reiki healer, she shares how her pain became her purpose, how the cracks in her heart let the light pour in, and how she’s using her gifts to help others find peace, balance, and healing. This conversation is a beautiful testament to the power of energy, the wisdom of grief, and the miracle of choosing to rise.

Tune in for a story of soul alchemy, heart-healing, and the courage to shine.

Transcript

UNKNOWN: 0:00

🎵🎵

SPEAKER_01: 0:09

Alright, welcome back to the Fitz and Project. I'm your host, Rachel Fitzpatrick, and I have the most special guest with me today, my longtime friend, Celessa Codwell. Going with the Codwell. Stick with that. And I just want everybody to know this woman is such a such a soul and it's like watching a flower bloom from a distance and it's like maybe even like a shooting star like she is someone you could wish upon but she is um she's a magnet to me a light in my life always has been i mean we've been friends since we were in seventh and eighth grade to the fact she came today with a picture of us from middle school and i had poop roll of a bank going on in my forehead and like this hair looking straight out like I came out of a dog groomer. But it was great. I had the Super Mario mushroom bowl cut. It was so terrible. Yeah, so we have pictures and that's going to live on forever. The late 90s treated us well. They really did, honestly. That was some good love. And then we ventured into high school together, and we skipped school together. We were so much fun. And, like, we skipped school to go to my grandpa's. Right. Like, have conversations with an old-ass man. Right. Oh, we smoked cigarettes. The worst thing we did was that. Yeah,

SPEAKER_00: 1:50

that was, like,

SPEAKER_01: 1:50

the

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bad

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part. Yeah, we spent our senior prom. We ate dinner on the lunch table. The outdoor tables at Sonic. Yes. Everybody had these big dinner reservations and we were like, you know what? I want a slushie. We had a great day. We did. No wine. We did none of that. We had each other. That's right. Oh man. And then we've had about 21 years of life. And we've recently sandwiched back up. Yes. And oh my God. What a delicious sandwich. Today's juice is going to be so good and fortifying. Oh man. I'm so, so honored that you are here. Thank you. And I'm honored to

SPEAKER_00: 2:38

be here.

SPEAKER_01: 2:38

We just did the most beautiful Kathy Heller meditation and it got us good. And I will say, um, It was visioning. sitting on a park bench with an old friend and talking about how great your life is. And I'm like, we actually just did that two days ago. We really did. It wasn't a park bench, but close enough. Right, exactly. It's amazing. Yeah, you were totally in my vision. And I'm like, well, now we're 60 and we're talking about how great things have been for the next 20 years or whatever. Oh, my God. I'm here for it. That is 20 years. Right? Say that out loud. It's like a slap in the face. Feels like yesterday. Wow. So much has happened. I guess we got a date 20 years from now. You do. At a park bench next time. See? I hear it's sonic. Yes, I hear it's sonic. Oh, man. Yeah. So, Celeste is doing the honor of coming to my yoga retreat.

UNKNOWN: 3:46

Yay.

SPEAKER_01: 3:46

and she is a reiki master i am the importance of that just hearing you say it i'm still in my 21 days tomorrow's you know i'm out of the clearing phase but hearing you say reiki master was kind of cool because it's not like i hold some grand title the title is i've mastered myself Bingo. Okay. Podcast over. Thanks for coming. Coming to listen. Four minutes. You've heard everything you need to hear. Just hearing you say that though, it kind of hit me. That's important. Yeah. So important. You've mastered yourself. It's been a long road. It took me a really long time. It's new and I love it. It is new. I was telling my mom just the other day we were talking about our journeys and she's on this too, man. We just did a podcast and she's been on this for a few years in the making and she has got her rhythm and she's hitting it and she's doing this online coaching program for nurses.

SPEAKER_00: 4:56

Yes. Okay. Like

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she's blowing my brain and I'm like, whoa, all right. And I'm like, and I said something and I didn't mean it in a way. that hopefully she didn't take it away. I don't think she did, but I did say this and I was like, I am just so glad that I'm on this. And it didn't matter how long it took me to figure out. But like 38, not doing so bad. That's not so shabby.

SPEAKER_00: 5:22

I know.

SPEAKER_01: 5:23

Have you like looked back on your journey and you're like, I started this journey before I was aware I was on the journey. And like, good for Gwen. I love this. I love this so much for that generation specifically. God, me too. Oh, it's what I'm here for. Exactly. I'm here for them. I'm here for all of it. Yeah. Yes. The ones before us and the ones that are coming. Coming up. Yep. Tell me, where do you want to start with yours? What's the one thing coming to your mind right now? About my journey and where it started? Let's see. I was born on October 21st, 1985. There we go. PHI. Day one. Yeah, it really did. When you go through the amount of healing, you really look back and you're like, gosh, I was born to do this. I was born to heal. It is a birthright. It is your birthright. But you have the free will, so that's important. You can choose to do it. You can choose not to. And I'm just so thrilled to be in this time right now where so many people are waking up to it. You know, I think we're all sick to death of being hurt people and hurting others in the process. Hurt people, hurt people. Sick to death of that. Yes. There's like a triangle, a trifecta with that. Like you're, oh my gosh, I hope I remember. You're like the antagonist and then you're the victim and you're the victim. I don't know, the perpetrator. I don't know. It's a triangle. And then you never come out of victimhood and then you start hurting other people. Right. And then you're the one being hurt and blah, blah, blah. And eventually you just got to like break the mold. You do. You absolutely do. I think you said victim and that just was like dagger because I stayed there so long. Yeah, and that was just, when you come out of that and you wake up and you see yourself, you're like, I was never the victim. What the heck? Why? How false was that narrative? I mean, all the things that happened to me in my life, you know, they were happening at the time, I thought, to me. Not at all. They were for me. I just had to see the bigger picture. And so, you know, I guess... I don't know. I don't know where I really want to start. Like I said, October 21st, 19. Beautiful way to start. Yeah. I love that you picked your birthday and I'll tell you why. Because in my heart of hearts and during doing this work and finding this coming home to myself, that's also where it began, right? Your birthday. And I really feel like there's just this passing of of knowledge and you're born with everything divine wants you to have yes right and you're born with this full open soul what you're not born with is the means to protect or reject Because you're just so open, you accept everything. Exactly. You're a sponge. Yeah. You're the little sponge. But when I look at my son, and I think I've said this in another podcast, I can't unsee it now. In every child, every adult, every grandparent, we've all been kissed in that little dent in between our nose.

UNKNOWN: 8:58

Yes.

SPEAKER_01: 8:58

For the angel. Yeah, exactly. Finish that. Yeah. They were like, shh. You'll be okay. Yeah. Oh, sealed it in. Right? Yes. So I feel like the birthday in all realms, it's how you get your horoscope sign. It's how you get your sun sign. your moon, and all of the angels surrounding you moving in that exact momentum. Longitude, latitude, everything counts. It does. It's so important. The orgasm from your parents to the time you come out. Like, boom. Boom. Explosion. Here you are. We're the stars. Uh-huh. A star is born. Yeah. I told you you were a shooting star. Aw. Thank you. I'll roll right back at you. Yeah, no, I was born into this wonderful family. Filled full of love. I had two older siblings. They were, my brother Galen was 10, my sister Stephanie, she was eight. So I come along, you know, they're, they're grown basically, you know, they're, they're in adulthood at 10 and eight. And so, you know, it was kind of just, I was to my sister, I was stealing her crown, you know, right? No, we can't be having a baby. Mom can't have a baby. She's, you know, my brother, super pumped, like so stoked. This is going to be awesome. And that was the basis of our relationship for years. My sister, stay out of my room. Don't touch my things. You know, my brother was like, yeah, let's practice wrestling moves. I'm going to teach you how to shoot hoops and shoot a BB gun. And, you know, I was this wild, feral child. And I had the best childhood. I grew up on a farm with 500 acres. And I made mud pies. And I danced barefooted in puddles. And it was great. I had such a wonderful childhood. My older siblings, they kind of left the nest and I was there. Right. I was there. And they were living their life. And I don't know. It was just kind of... I was always like a loner from that point on. And I got really comfortable there. And so it was during these... Like my childhood, being little, I started noticing things that were odd. I mean, I would be outside playing and I would hear music and... wonder where it was coming from and i would go in the house and i'd be like mom are you playing music it sounds really old do we have a record player and she's like uh no what are you you're you're so imaginative go on go play i'm not playing music i'm like okay well i'd be upstairs in this big old farmhouse that was built in the 1800s playing in my room and i would sense these i don't know i didn't know how to describe it but it was like i wasn't alone there was somebody there And I would run down and tell my mom, Mom, I'm kind of scared to be in my room. What for? You're just so imaginative. Carry on. Long story short, I'm just super sensitive. And every time I would get a glimpse of something, I would run and tell my mom and, you know, whatever. She would just kind of write me off. And so I kind of started to feel crazy. Right? So I'm this little kid. My mom's like, you are just making things up. There's not a little girl in your room playing with your toys. But there was because I started to see her. And I started to get really afraid of it. And so I would like call my brother and be like, Gail, did anything weird ever happen to you? And he was like, uh, what are you talking about? So I had his support because he would listen to me and not tell me I was crazy.

SPEAKER_00: 12:52

And

SPEAKER_01: 12:53

my sister, I don't know what you're talking about. That's never happened to me. mom tells me crazy sister no brother he's like yeah yeah so i had his support and i had him to talk to and that was so awesome so so awesome you were always my protector he was my protector though and to me he was my superman and when everybody else was too busy he would listen And if I was too afraid to sleep in my room, he would say, okay, you can come in here and sleep. You know, he'd get home at 11. I'd wait up for him because I couldn't close my eyes. I was afraid I was going to, you know, wait for my brother to get home from doing cool grown things because he would let me come in there and feel safe. And so anyway, this carries on. I do realize that I'm pretty sensitive. I have a really strong, I don't know, way to sense if someone is in a bad mood even or someone had a bad day. I just knew it before they spoke it.

SPEAKER_00: 14:01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 14:02

I could feel that energy all around me as a child to the point that I could hear music that didn't even belong to the era I was even familiar with. You know, it was really just interesting things had been happening to me since day one. Yeah. And when I decided to use my voice about it, it was met differently by each person I talked to. So in a lot of ways, I got kind of quiet. I didn't talk about it much, only to the people I felt safe with. And so that just kind of stuck with me for a really long time. And so we get into my later years and I'm in high school and life is good. And my brother, he's living his life. My sister, she's living her life. She's married. She's got, you know, this awesome future ahead of her. My brother, he's in college. doing cool stuff and he's traveling. He's spending time in New York and just really he's living life to, you know, his highest and greatest good. Good for him. And I'm just entering into high school. High school is such a pivotal. It will make or break you, man. Yeah. You're so vulnerable and you're so open. People are kind of mean. But looking back now, everybody's moving from a place of fear. Yeah. We don't know. People are asking us the big questions. What do you want to do when you get older? We don't know. The disdain I have for that question. Right? So you're trying to figure it out. You're stuck in this, I'm still a kid, but you're expecting me to make decisions about what I'm going to do as an adult. I don't know. I'm still a kid. Yeah. Get off me. Right? You know, in second grade, I wanted to be an astronaut. We all did. I really thought that I could do that. And it changes when you get into high school. Yeah. And so I'm just like every other nervous freshman, day one, you get into it, you survive it, and you're like, this is okay. This is all good. I have friends and my life was good. And so I was still like, I still kind of felt weird and like a loner because things were just different for me. I was very, very, very sensitive. I felt people. And so that would become overwhelming. I would be in social gatherings or at a big football game, and it would just almost overwhelm me, zap me, exhaust me. But I moved through it. I'm a kid. I have ample amounts of energy otherwise, so I'm having fun. And then I enter my sophomore year, and I'm really liking sophomore year. I'm not scared. I'm not the greenhorn. And I'm at school one day, and I'm like, dang, I don't feel good. I feel really bad. So I call my mom and she's like, well, her answer to everything at that time in my life was take some ibuprofen. I'm like, I did that already, mom. I'm not feeling good. So she texts me out of school. I go to the doctor and I have mono. And most people, you know, get mono and they get over it. I had a really, really severe case of mono. It was so, so bad. My tonsils necrotized. um it was horrific i was on homebound couldn't go to school i missed like four months total i think um my liver enzymes i was very sick it was yeah but that's just like the beginning of it i almost kind of forgot that i had mono and that i was as sick as i was and i think most of the people that knew me kind of forgot to. Yeah. I mean, now that you mentioned it, I'm like, you did. I totally remember that. I would not have like someone been like, did Celeste have mono when you were in high school? I don't know. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it was really horrible. I had to go in every week and have my labs drawn. I couldn't eat. Wow. And it was just really kind of like, are we kidding me? I was just, Just barely into my sophomore year and you're telling me I can't go to school. Most kids are like, yes, I don't have to go to school. No, I wanted to go to school. This is dumb. But anyway, I'm at home and I'm sick. Some days when you have mono, some days you wake up and you feel good. And you're like, oh, I don't feel as bad as I did yesterday. So I had woke up one day, it was a Friday, and I felt... Pretty good. And I'm like, mom, all my friends are doing these things. There's ball games going on. I feel good today. I've got all my work done with my homebound teacher. Can I please, please, please, please go with my friends to this game and then spend the night at one of my best friend's houses? And she's like, okay sure fine you know don't let anybody drink after you just be mindful you don't want anybody else to get sick it's contagious i'm like yes i'm super aware i'm gonna be really good and and you know i'm not gonna make anybody else sick thank you thank you for letting me go so i end up staying with this friend and I ended up staying with her a couple of nights. I was so happy just to not be trapped in my room feeling like a leper. Yeah. And that was so important to me, and I was so grateful that she let me go. And she said, okay, deal is you stay again tonight. I'm going to pick you up in the morning. If you're feeling so good and fresh, you're going to go to church with us. And I'm like, okay, deal. Great. This is wonderful. So I'm at my friend's house, and it was time to go to bed. I knew I had to go to bed early because Mom was picking me up. We're going to church. So I'm laying in her bed, and with Mono, you're tired, you sleep all the time, and I could not sleep that night. It's September, and I'm just laying in her bed. She's sound asleep, and I'm thinking, man, if I don't get some rest, I'm going to oversleep this alarm, and I'm going to be in trouble if I'm not ready for church in the morning. And I just could not sleep. And all of a sudden, I get this horrible, terrible feeling in my stomach. And it wasn't, it wasn't, oh, I'm sick because I have mono. It was like, something's not right. Something's really wrong right now. I don't know what it is. And so I get up out of the bed and I'm like, in the bathroom, I get up, just lay in the bathroom floor beside the toilet. And I like, wasn't in the fetal position. Like, you know, when your stomach hurts, I was just laying flat on my back. staring up at the ceiling of my best friend's bathroom floor, consumed by this feeling of nausea. And then all of a sudden I got this intense, just wave of sadness that I could not describe. This is weird. What is wrong with me? I laid in the bathroom floor the entire night. Until my alarm went off the next morning. I dragged myself up, tired, not understanding what had just happened to me in the bathroom all night. And my mom didn't come. I was ready for church. I'm like, okay, mom's not here. Something's wrong. I call the house. No one answers. Something's happened to my mom. You know, what's happened? She's not here. She never shows up. It gets late in the day and my friend's house phone rang. And it was my sister. And on the other end of the phone, I could just, all I could hear was just muffling, just sniffling. And all of a sudden she spits out, he's not going to make it. And I'm like, what?

UNKNOWN: 22:05

What?

SPEAKER_01: 22:07

Mind you, I should tell you, my brother who has been out living his best life and my sister who has this precious baby at home and I'm waiting for my mom. I'm like, what is happening? All these things are happening. My brother was living in Myrtle Beach. Why is my sister calling me? She said, I need you to know that you need to get to the hospital and you need to get here as soon as you can. I'm like, what? I have no idea. Where are you? So my brother... who I thought was still in Myrtle Beach at this time. That's where he lived with his girlfriend at the time. She said, it's our brother. You need to get here. I'm like, okay. I sit in the back seat of my friend's minivan as her dad drives me to Lexington to the hospital. I still don't have any idea what's going on. This can't be happening. My brother's not going to make it? Is that what you mean? I don't know. So we get to the hospital that she tells us meet her at and my whole entire family is there my mom my dad my grandma my great aunts i'm talking everybody is there the whole church that i was supposed to be attending at that you know that morning was there and i walk into this complete situation this whole room of people and i don't even know what's happening and they're like it's your brother and he is He's in really bad shape. I'm like, he's not even here. He's in Myrtle Beach. They're like, no, honey, he's here. So my brother in his big, wonderful energy fashion was coming home to surprise us. And he made it into Lexington. And before he drove into Stanford, he stopped to see some friends. And those friends just greeted him with, you know, big fun, big party, stay here, don't leave. And he had had a few drinks. And unbeknownst to him, there was GHB in one of those drinks, a very large amount of it. And so that night, he got very sick. He ended up in the bathroom floor. roughly around 3 a.m the same time as you that i was laying in the bathroom floor of my friend's house not understanding what was happening to me with the same belly aches the same belly aches he um he was vomiting and he had laid down on his side and somebody had come in there and was like they'd seen him and he was asleep and so they thought he would be more comfortable on his back so they flipped him over oh and he he aspirated that night and he was in there for a very long time before anybody found him and so when they did they called and they rushed him to the hospital And then they had called my mother who had the same reaction as me. My mom actually hung up the phone on the hospital. They called her three times and said, it's your son. You need to get here. And she said, no, you've got the wrong person. My son's in Myrtle Beach. She hung up and they called her again and she hung up and they called her again. She was like, okay, I'm going to go investigate. This can't be right. And it was, it was him. It was him. And I walked into that room and I was so sick. That was not a good day. It was the mono, and it was me being super sensitive. And so anyway, they took me back. He was on ECMO. He was on a respirator. He looked just like my brother, only with all these tubes and wires and all the things all on him. I'm like, he's okay. He's fine. He looks okay. He can wake up from this. My superhero, my protector, the strongest guy I knew, Was going to be okay. He looked fine. He looked great. I had all this faith. He was going to be okay. And they kept just, they were running tests, like brainwave tests and all these things. And so to try and make this, wrap this up in a nutshell, it was a very long three days. And it was September 11th. 2001 we had been in the hospital with him for three days and things were not not improving he had started to swell his body was shutting down despite all the you know mechanical efforts and they said okay we're gonna have to make a decision coda stepped in and he had sat in the back of his license to donate his organs so coda swoops in and they gather us all up that morning it's early And it's me and my mom, my dad, my sister, and my grandmom. And we all had to make the decision to take him off of life support. And so we're sitting in this circle and I was the last one to drag myself into the room because I'm weak as a tiny baby infant kitten. And I sit down and I'm closest to the door and they start with my mom and my dad and it goes around and And they're like, do we have your consent to take them off? Take him off life support. And everyone in the room said yes. And damn it, I was the last one in the room. I was one month shy of my 16th birthday. And my superhero was in the next room. And I had all this faith. And I wanted to say, don't take him off. He can do anything. He can do anything. He's magic. Because he was. And I had to be the one. And I remember I looked at the lady and I said, do I have to be the one? Because I know what I need to do. But I don't want to do it. Because if I disagree with everybody in this room and I say, no, don't take him off and he lives. What if he lives? I knew what I had to do and I had to say, take him off. And that right there... That right there stuck with me for a really long time. I'm like, why couldn't I have gone first? Could I have changed the outcome? Could I have made it better? And so, yeah, we step outside of the room because with Coda, they can't pronounce him dead. They have certain things they go through. And so they're like, okay, you've all given us consent and we're going to take you to this room and and you can wait and we'll come back and then we'll give you, you know, the time of death. I'm like, oh yeah, can't wait. So they take us to this waiting room and the TVs are on and I look up and everybody in this whole hospital just stopped. And the TV, there's this, this airplane crash and it's horrible. And I look up and it's this horrible, live stream of people having to jump out of windows. It's mass chaos. And I'm like, this is happening right now? No, this isn't real. They step back in the room, we're watching this footage, and I'm just, literally, I'm sitting here and there's so much shock. I'm just riddled with shock. that I'm not even on earth, my feet are not planted, I am outside of myself. It's just total disbelief. And they come in and they pronounce him dead and boom, the next tower gets hit. Okay, so, alright. The things that unfolded for me after that were not your typical high school things, you know? Yeah, going to spend the night with a friend wasn't important. As a matter of fact, I didn't know who I was. I lost my projector. I had to make decisions that a 15-and-a-half-year-old shouldn't have to make. I should have been excited about my 16th birthday and things like that, but I wasn't. I just couldn't be. My whole life just stopped right there, and it began again in a weird way. There were a lot of things that came after that. And my empathy and my sensitivity changed. And so I was grieving. I was sick. I was all these things. But my parents were grieving. My sister was grieving. And I felt like I needed to, I guess, grieve in silence in a way so that I didn't trigger their grief. I didn't want to create more grief, if that makes sense. Absolutely. I was so mad at God. Yeah. So mad at God. Well, it kind of gets worse from here. So we have a wonderful friend that we grew up with and he knew that I was sad and there was a big dance. I was back at school at this point. Yeah, this is four months later. He invites me to this dance and I don't want to go to this dance because things like that are not important to me anymore. But I'm like, you know what? He was trying to make me laugh when he threw that French fry at me today because I was sitting over there just in the doldrums. Rightfully so. He launches this french fry at me and asks me to the dance. And I said, okay, I'll go. I get to the dance. And I'm waiting for my buddy I'd sat with a million times. And he doesn't show up. Golly, where is he? This is not normal. Well, he never showed up to the dance because he was murdered that night. And I'm like, no. This is a guy that I went to elementary school with. he can't be gone, but he was. And so that just adds fuel to my, that was a shock, sad fire. Yeah. Both of those events, your brother and Bo, so tragic to our community. Yeah. And I absolutely hate for any family, that experienced 9-11 and every bit of it. Our country, the people that had to go after that, like it's all just, I hate all of that so much. It's a smothering feeling. But what I also hate is how that overshadowed your own, your family, your pain where it's almost like you didn't get to you weren't allowed to have it no right almost like it was even more yanked away and i remember being with you and talking about that a little bit and i've even that stuck with me so much that it i posted about it on this past 9-11 it hit me again and i'm like oh my gosh there were so many factors that played in and that changed the course of my grieving process. Yeah. Like you were just never allowed to. Yeah, exactly. I remember I needed my friend. I needed a friend to come that day that we, all that happened. It was September 11th. And I was like, I call her and I'm like, can you please just meet me? Can you please just meet me? And she said, my mom won't let me. The whole country was in fear. Yeah. And she said, my mom won't let me leave. And so I said, okay. You know, all I wanted was my friend. And I couldn't be mad at her or her mom, but it was just like everything was so different. It was a horrible, tragic thing to lose my brother, and it was a horrible, tragic thing to lose him on that day. And it was a horrible, tragic thing for the whole entire world. Yeah. And so, yeah, it kind of just got thrown into this horrible vortex, this cyclone of just absolute... It's hard to pick a word. And then for like the rest of forever. Yes. Oh. You get a song to remember the day. You have to remember the day and remember the day. You have to turn your television on. Yeah. All of the things. And you're like, how about if I just don't want to remember the day? How about I want to forget? Yeah. How about I want to forget?

SPEAKER_00: 35:01

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_01: 35:03

So, yeah. This has happened. And then I get to my junior year and my other... I was born, like I said, my brother and sister were older than me, but my dad's sisters had my beautiful cousin, Rachel, who you know, my wonderful cousin, Ricky. They were awesome. They were just my other brother and sister. Yeah. And so growing up, our parents did a great job. We were always spending time together, whole summers together. They were my rocks. And so my cousin Ricky steps up, steps up to the plate. He gets his driver's license. He's coming to see me. He's like, oh, yeah, we're not doing this. I'm your brother. I've got you. I love you. He was coming to see me at work and all these things. He lived in Somerset, so it was such a treat when he would drive an hour just to pop into my work and say, Hi, how are you? I love you. I'm checking on you. Very few people were brave enough to say those things to me. Nobody knows what to say to someone when they've had significant loss. No one knows. Yeah, he knew. That was his cousin, Galen, that died, and that was his cousin, Celessa, who was alive, and he was going to make sure he was checking on me and making me smile. And then... One February, we're anticipating a snowstorm, so my boss sends me home from work. Doesn't want us out driving in the snow. And I pull into my garage, and I open the door to the kitchen, and my mom is on the phone. And I get this gut feeling, and I'm like, something's bad, wrong. And I walk in the door, and I said, Mom, what's wrong with Ricky? You didn't even know what to do. I didn't know what. No, I knew nothing. We didn't have cell phones that we could use unless it was 9 p.m., you know, when the rates were cheap. But she was hanging up the phone in the kitchen and she said, we've got to go to Somerset. There's been a bad accident and we need to leave. And I'm like, okay. I get in the back of another minivan. I'm in the fetal position because my stomach is hurting so bad. And I just knew. i just knew it's starting to snow we're having to drive 30 miles an hour and it took us forever to get to summer seven the longer it took the sicker i got and we show up to lake cumberland hospital and the entire high school southwestern high school and standing outside and i see all of my friends they're my friends because they were ricky's friends and They see me and I'm like this, I guess I'm just walking like this big beam of sorrow and sadness and they all see me and they're already upset. But when they see me, they just all shatter. I can't believe this is getting ready to happen to her. And I walk in and my aunt's there and she said, there's nothing else they can do. He was in a car accident. He was 16. So my brother was 26, Beau was 18. And Ricky was 16. And he was supposed to be coming to see me again soon. He never made it. So here I am from my sophomore year to my junior year. I can't believe these things. This is life. This is life. Death was very, very real. And at that point, it felt like it was all I knew. It's like you forgot the life you lived and all the joy you had because it was just stripped away. how much can one person take and i got like just really tired really really tired and you can imagine from the mono to the grief um i wasn't able to eat a lot i lost a lot of weight and so all these things were happening to me and i had to like go to school and i had to do things that were just seemingly meaningless to me I had to study and take tests and like walk through mud, walk through the wet concrete, you know. People were not very nice and that was what was so strange to me. There were people that just were almost afraid to talk to me and then there were the people that would say, look at her, she looks like she needs to eat. I remember one day I was sitting in biology class and I was on just, I just couldn't eat. I was wasting away and I was aware of it, but I couldn't eat. I was just sad. One girl bought a candy bar from the cheerleaders who were fundraising out loud. This girl goes, yeah, it looks like you need to eat a couple more. We know she's starving herself on purpose. And just like, that was not nice. That was not nice. That was not nice. I mean, I'm just like, okay, wow. And then it just kind of spiraled from there. There were all of these like rumors, you know, some people call me crackhead because I was so skinny and just sickly. Yeah. So anyway, you know, kids are not nice. Kids are not nice. I'm like, do you know that? I really, the last thing I'm thinking about right now is sitting down to a big old buffet and I'm on all these medications to try and keep myself afloat right now. And you all are worried about what candy bar I bought. You're just trying to survive. Yeah, I was really, really trying to survive. As a 16-year-old kid with a solid family, you don't have to come from... Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm not even going to finish this. Yeah. People were not very nice. Were not very nice. And so I'll just to try and not let this last six days because I could talk about that forever. There were a lot of things that went with that and I was not okay. But I stayed in survival mode basically from the time I was 15 and a half. And there were days that I didn't want to survive. And it was one specific day that it was right after we had buried Ricky. And he died in February and it was on Valentine's Day. Everybody was going to do Valentine's Day things and I was at home by myself. And it wasn't this, you know, I'm going to leave a note type of deal. It was... It was just, I can't do this anymore. I really can't carry this anymore. My little frail body couldn't do it. And I didn't, you know, my parents had done all the right things. I had counselors. I had therapists. It just, I couldn't carry it. No matter who I talked to or who I didn't talk to, the weight of it was just unbearable. And so it wasn't a long, drawn-out, thought-out plan, like I said, but it was, okay, I'm going to. I had the means to make myself go to sleep. And that's just all I want to do because I'm tired. And no kid should feel this way. No kid should be this tired. But I was. And so I opened up this bottle that I had and I poured a whole bunch out in my hand and I walked to the kitchen and I got a bottle of water. And I went back to my bedroom and I closed the door. And it It was just going to be done. I was like, I'm going to take a few at a time. Let it be gentle at first, and then I'll just do the rest. Whatever. And my cell phone rang, which was unheard of. No one calls you unless it's 9 p.m. And I almost didn't answer it. Something said, okay, all right. And I pick up the phone, and it's one of my friends that had moved away. She was like my childhood best friend. She moved two hours away. I didn't get to see her much or talk to her much when I answered the phone. And she screamed my name. And I could hear her car door slam and her engine rev up in her sports car. And she was two hours away. And she screamed my name. She said, Celesta. And it just echoed. And I said, yeah. She said, I'm on my way. And I said, where? She said, I don't know, but I'm coming to wherever you are right now. She said, I left cheerleading practice, something I just needed to be with you. And I sat the bottle down and I said, okay. I said, but I'm just really tired. She said, just take a nap, take a nap and I'll be there. And so she left. God called her. God called her. And she answered the phone. And she, you know, I think about that a lot. I don't even know if she knows because I didn't tell her. I just told her I was tired. And she said, you know what? It's okay. Take a nap. I'm on my way. So she'd probably love to hear that she's part of you so much. She's part of me. Maybe you share her this episode. I think I might. Yeah, but that was the day. And I'm like, okay. There's something greater. I don't know why she called me on that specific day. Out of all the days she could have, you know. But then there was something greater going on. There was a much larger purpose. And even though I couldn't feel it at the time, I knew it. And so I got through. I made it through. I made it through. I kept making it through. But in so many ways, like... I was still in survival mode, but I had experienced so much hurt. And hurt comes from love. So much. It's just love. It is just love. And so I just started pouring myself into other people. Because what I was dealing with was too much, but it was so much easier for me to pour into other people. So I'll insert this. Another one of my great friends were in high school, his brother was killed in a car accident. And my God, the day that happened, I told my mom, I was like, I have to go. I have to go to his house, and I have to go now. And she was like, please don't. Please don't drive that road. That road's so dangerous. All this is still... My mom's still dealing with the loss of a child. She doesn't want me. I'm not allowed to go drive this road. And I'm like, no, Mom. I'm going to be a defiant, rebellious teenager right now, and you're telling me that I can't go. I'm going. And so I went, and I showed up at his house that day, and it was loaded with people that loved him and... His whole family. I get there and I'm like, where's Brett? And his mom pulls me aside. She said, I'm so glad that he finally showed up because he won't come out. I rolled in, knocked on the door, and I said, it's me. And he opened the door. And we just sat there. We just sat there on the edge of his bed in this knowing. And he looked at me and he said, you're okay. You did it. Can I do it? You've got this. It's not going to be fun, but you've got this. He said, thank you. And so that was something. But I wanted to help others. Even though I felt like I couldn't even help myself, I wanted to help others. And so I threw myself into that. Let's fast forward. Many years later, I'm in relationships, marriage, and I'm just pouring into everybody. Pouring into everybody. But guess who I wasn't pouring into? Ding, ding, ding. Yeah. Yeah. So I'm the mother of three. As any parent, you pour into your children. And they kept me going for a long time. The relationship, my marriage wasn't, it was tumultuous at times. And other times it was just nothing. There wasn't a relationship at all. It was coexistence and we were roommates. And I was suffocating in that because there was more to life. And I looked back and I was just thinking to myself, okay, this was the day I started pouring into everybody and now it's time to reevaluate. And so not only was my cup empty, it was upside down, welded to the freaking counter. So how am I supposed to fill up my cup when it's just stuck here? And it just, I don't know how to describe it. It's gonna sound wild. Maybe it won't, but I could feel this rumbling, this rumbling within me. And I knew I just had to break this cup and I was gonna start from scratch. I was gonna build my own mosaic and I was gonna continue to help people. That was my purpose. My nature is to nurture. I came out of all this crap knowing that I hurt so bad because I love so big. Absolutely. And I had to lose all these important people But they lived really large, loving lives, too. And so here was my cup. I shattered it. I smashed it. I ended up getting a divorce and doing my own thing. And that's when I don't want to say I found Reiki. Reiki found me. And in this way I've been living my life, I was already practicing Reiki, just not with the correct toolbox. Yeah, I know. so yeah that's kind of where my where my healing journey started it wasn't that i wanted to i wanted to be a reiki master it was i needed to heal myself i need to untangle the knots within me i was sick of you know just not living for myself and what a beautiful thing it was like i just emerged it was painful Healing is just as painful. It's like you re-experience all these things. Absolutely. But then you wake up one day with this blanket around you of your own love. And that, that's the key. That's the ticket. You've been through a lot, but you chose love the entire time. It's a gorgeous cloak. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. So I finally just, I'm shining this light on myself. And now that I am healed, and I say healed, meaning I'm going to always be healing. The process never ends. It doesn't end. Yeah. So that understanding, that's what Reiki is and has been and does for me. It is love. It is a frequency of love. Absolutely. And so I'm just like this testimony of you can be healed. hurt and wounded and all these things and it can be horrible you can have all these sad bad experiences but you can they're happening for you for you not to you man that is so beyond beautiful your entire story you just shared I'm uh Honored is not the right word because it's deeper than that. And I'm really just kind of like, I can't believe I have the privilege to get this one-on-one, watch you tell this story, feel your energy as you tell this story. And I remember these exact events and I just, every time I'm like, Yes, that's why this happened. Yes, that's why this happened. Oh my gosh, you all. And your brother, Aylan, is just like always with you. Oh, my gosh. And how many times do you have conversations with him? Let me tell you. Let's not go back to that little girl who's super sensitive. Like, he is so loud. It is so amazing. I'm like, you're still the same old G. I know. There's not a wind one in this room. And that light when you were speaking, or that candle outlet for you when you were speaking his story was just divine. dancing without you being young and him being your superhero. And it was just dancing flickers. And I'm like, oh, what a beautiful, I can't believe I'm experiencing this with you right now. And the Upton family and the Whitty family. I'll tell you from a community perspective, because you don't know, you were in the trenches and I'm not. And from the community perspective of that happening to you on 9 11 and being a friend during that and watching you and then being your friend through beau and having to lift up my own family because he was best friends with my first cousin right who he's like, I should have been there. I should have, should have, should have. And I'm like, no, you go to no, no, no, no, no, no one should have been there. No, no. And then, you know, hearing the witty and I'm just want you to know if that had happened, that your friend didn't get that call from God to call you and scream your name and you would have died. Let's just say the other way. for a second, that impact on our community, would that have given Brett permission to do the same? You all are so important. And I'm so thankful, not that that happened to you, but that you were able to share this experience with him and you all were able to pull each other up and out. Because The other alternative isn't worth finding out what would have happened. Exactly. From a community perspective, I don't think I could have lost my brother and him going through that with his classmate. We had already experienced a suicide in our class. The first. The first and maybe ever.

UNKNOWN: 53:49

Yes.

SPEAKER_01: 53:50

You know, and then during that time was also Columbine. Yes. And then we're going through such a transition of life that's breaking seals that we are trying to close back up right now. Yes, we are. And that would have just killed more and more and more of us. So I'm so... happy for your friend. And I don't even know who that person is. And I want you to know whoever you are. Thank you. Beyond belief. Like, thank you for listening to needing to call somebody for free after not being on your cell phone. Right. Like, yes. Yeah. You are thankful for her too. Now here. And this is such a beautiful moment. life experience that you share and your energy is so palpable and i mean i can think of you and i like will tingle and goosebumps because i'm like oh i gotta call her you know like she's gotta come to my retreat oh she's a yes oh she'll be on my podcast i just want to hang out with you all the time well i just want to say thank you for creating such a wonderful beautiful safe space because that's a story i'm I've not shared with maybe not anyone. So thank you for creating that space for me to feel safe. My throat chakra has been a real fun one to stay quiet for a long time. I didn't want to trigger anybody. Everybody else I knew was hurting too. You just think about the events that I just spilled out. I wasn't the only one that was hurting. Everyone was. No, but you are a force and so powerful to... Use your toolbox. And this is one of those moments where I feel like this is a timeless conversation. And I am so thankful that you trusted the space, trusted this to be said so people can hear because you're I'm in different countries. And not just me, but the people with this are in different countries. So if you get to go with this to Europe and Germany and Poland or wherever I'm going, I

SPEAKER_00: 56:20

don't

SPEAKER_01: 56:21

know. But it's just, this is a special one. And I will re-listen to this often because it's so powerful. It is. So. This is the power of love. The power of love is so cool. Right. And you just, you know, you learn through all these things just to be very intentional with yourself. I was so unkind to myself in so many ways. I was loving everyone else, but I was unkind to myself. So I had to wake up and be intentional with the love, the love distribution.

SPEAKER_00: 56:53

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 56:54

And I had to just pack my own lunch box. Let's call that, you know, let's call it that. I had to pack my own lunch because I was dumping it out every day. I was starving to death because because everybody else got it and I needed it. I deserved to know love for myself. I see myself for who I have been. You do deserve love for yourself. Of course. The birthright, right? Yes. October 21st. 1985. That's your birthright. Wrapping that back into there. Yeah, I'll be 40 this year. Let's celebrate. Oh, we are. Yeah. We should probably just go to day spa. We should. We should definitely make a date. But one of my favorite things is you said... begin again yeah will you pull up your phone and pull up my the fits and project on instagram and i want you to read the post that i put yesterday that i don't know that you've even seen because i don't think you would have i'm the world's idiot this person I have not been on Instagram. I have 48 notifications. It's perfectly fine if you've not followed me yet. Don't take offense. I love you, clearly. Here we go. Okay. And I just want you to read that blue message, the first one. Oh, wow. Oh, my gosh. Okay. Let me get this together. Begin again. This is the theme of my morning and the mantra of my season. As new things enter my life, I find I seek refuge in handling it like I always have. Perhaps a drink, a bit of junk food, ice cream, definitely not yoga or solace. As I taught my first class in two weeks and make my first post in two weeks, I realized the importance of begin again. It's a lifestyle of intention, grace, love, and growth. It's conscious awareness. It's a privilege of life. Rachel Fitzpatrick. Oh my gosh. Yes, wake up every day. Wake up every day and begin again. Begin again. Yeah. Be MC Hammer. Wake up and put your hammer pants on. You can't touch this. Begin again. Okay, and one thing we leave with. What was our theme song? On our days we skipped school, our senior year, it was... Pearl Jam. What was it? Pearl Jam. What was it? I don't know if you listened to the whole thing. That whole album was so great. But there's like this one and it's like their most famous one. It's not Jeremy. Of course I don't have any. Was it Black? The end of the song where he's like Oh my God, which one was it? Okay, we're going to have to dig. Yeah, now we're going to have to look it up. Now we're going to have to listen to all of it. We'll take that offline. But anyway, if y'all are into it, Ipsy Hammer, Pearl Jam. Got it going on. Yes. But yes, that fetal position is super important. And it's important just to bring this back home. I'm going to shoot this home. The baby is in the belly, in the fetal position for a reason. And it's the way you begin again. It's the way I end every single one of my yoga classes is bring your knees in, turn to your right side, begin again. Set a mantra, right? Yes, absolutely. I love you. I love you so much. Thank you. This was absolutely incredible. Thank you, Rachel. I appreciate it and all that you do. I'm so excited for us. Me too. I love you. I love you.