Awakening to Divine Presence: Love, Forgiveness & the Call to Live with Integrity

What does it truly mean to awaken — not just spiritually, but embodied in how you live, love, and lead?

In this deeply moving conversation, Rachel Fitzpatrick sits down with Regan to explore the lifelong journey of spiritual awakening, divine presence, and the radical responsibility of living with integrity. From early childhood awareness to life-altering health crises, this episode weaves together stories of meditation, yoga, forgiveness, and the urgent calls from God that redirect us toward our soul’s true purpose.

Together, Rachel and Regan reflect on how daily spiritual practices anchor us in truth, how love heals even the deepest wounds, and why awakening isn’t about knowing more — it’s about embodying what you know. This episode is a reminder that our energetic presence matters, our choices ripple outward, and living awake requires conscious action in a world designed to keep us asleep.

If you’re navigating personal growth, spiritual responsibility, or a moment of profound change — this conversation will meet you right where you are.

✨ Listen with an open heart.
 ✨ Stay present.
 ✨ Choose integrity.

🌿 Key Takeaways

• Spiritual awakening often begins long before we realiz

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Chapters

• 4:48 Awakening and Spiritual Journey
• 13:33 The Power of Love and Forgiveness
• 19:06 Daily Practices and Spiritual Discipline
• 25:38 Life Changes and Urgent Calls from God
• 31:41 Health Crisis and Miraculous Recovery
• 35:49 Living with Purpose and Integrity
• 43:30 Cultural Reflections and Spiritual Responsibility
• 52:58 Concluding Thoughts and Future Directions

Transcript

SPEAKER_01: 0:01

Hi welcome back to the Fitz Project. I'm Rachel Fitzpatrick and I'm very, very, very happy that you're here with me today. And I'll be with a grab at the paper drink. Uh whether it be coffee or just a water goes the end of this conversation with Ray characters. She is amazing and spiritual character. I really enjoyed getting talking about her. She's also an author of the car, so to speak. So I think I really enjoyed the conversation. But before we dive into that, how do you feel for college? I don't know about you, but I hosted with Celissa presence of our presence part of the workshop. And it puts right into this conversation with you or here actually. And see if you're watching on YouTube. But it's such a beautiful time to truly reflect and get back to the real purpose of what our life is about. So before I get any further into that, I also want to give an offering for this week, specifically this week. So if you listen to this and it will sound great at your real time. And if not, it's okay. The offer is always available to reset. But I'm doing something super special on Friday. And we are going to be asking yourself, what are you trying to call that for 2026? And when that light returns from the Witcher's Ostia, we get up. So masterclass on Friday is going to be dedicated to the basic Christmas character, like your past, present, and future. And we're going to be 40 on Friday together. So I would love for you to join. It's about 90 minutes on two. And take a leave of whatever you need during that time. And just the goal here is that there's no goals that we're setting for 2026. It's intentions. Everything is just intention based. So we are done with New Year's resolutions. We're not doing that anymore. We don't subscribe. Totally unsubscribe to New Year's Resolutions. And instead, we're calling it intentions. Intentions for how we get our deepest desires out. So anyway, if you want to roll with something like that, it's available in the show notes. I'd be honored that you would even show up and pay what you want again because there is no price on the honor received. But right now, uh the recording will not be available after. So then you would need to join live. And if the recording is available after, it will be at a set price. So anyway, I hope to see you on Friday. Without further ado, I also hope you enjoy this beautiful conversation with me and Reagan. Welcome. Welcome to the Fitsin Project. And I'm actually really honored that you're here. Miss Regan Carruthers, yeah? Reagan Carruthers. Caruth of hairs. It's a mouthful. It's a mouthful. You know, I spoke it out loud and I then I read it and I'm like, Regan Caruthers, but then I will still say words. I'm very happy that you are joining me today because I know you have a powerful story with you, and it is gonna align for what my listeners and everybody within the Fits and Project, what we love to hear. So um, do you want to give a little background about yourself first? Yeah, that's always such a big question, right?

SPEAKER_00: 4:41

Um I yeah, I mean, it all begins at the beginning for me when my mom made an incredibly important decision to enroll me in a school beginning at the age of three, where we meditated every day and did Tai Chi for Jim. And later, when we were a little bit older, photographed our energy field with Carillion film and sang devotional songs informed by the research of a man named Dr. Maxwell Maltz. He wrote the pivotal, I mean, important book, Psychocybernetics, which birthed the positive psychology movement. And he was a mentor of the founder of my school. And he was on the board. So a lot of what we sang and were sort of guided to understand came from from his research. And um, I don't know where I'd be without it. I mean, who knows? Maybe I'd be in the exact same space. I doubt it. It was not just a safe place, it was a place where what we're all born with wasn't enculturated out of me. And while I made a conscious decision at the age of nine, really to to disconnect from the things that I was innately connected to. It was too much. Like I could hear other people's thoughts, I could see things that other people didn't. There was just way too much information coming at me. And then the openness, right, of a of a meditation practice or mindful movement like Tai Chi. It was just like I was this open vessel, and it's not all great. Anyway, I closed it all down and just sought norms. Just wanted to be a normal kid with safe places to be because my home was uh both violent and um emotionally really intense. I had a mother who diagnosed herself as a manic depressive in 1961 when it wasn't really, you know, kind of top of mind for psychiatrists back then. She just took it out of the air, like the diagnosis floating on by, and she grabbed it and named it. Um, so anyway, my house was intense and I had these, you know, wisdom traditions and this way of being that was instilled in my school, but it wasn't enough. So it all closed down when I asked it to. I actually commanded it to at the age of nine, when there was an entity that used to kind of harass me. It's the only way I can say to describe it. Yeah. Um, and I just, you know, I was so scared and I screamed out loud for it all to stop, and it did. And it didn't come back until the age of 27. So I had a dramatic awakening then as a junior executive. Um, and I was at a national sales meeting, not a great place for a kundalini awakening, but anyway, so it was. And um, you know, that changed me and and it changed the direction of my life. I found myself um staff at the Heart Math Institute a few years uh later, leading retreats and programs for business audiences with Bruce Cryer, who was their CEO at the time. And I thought that was what I was gonna do. I thought that was my calling, and it turned out pretty quickly not to be. And I returned to corporate life for a lot of reasons, which I detail in my memoir. And um yeah, made the best of that from rose to, you know, executive ranks in Silicon Valley, all the while having this understanding and this inner way, even though I was distracted and and not disciplined, that came in my mid-40s and was able to just out of, you know, circumstantial change in my life, I was able to have this be my full-time job to continue to integrate the wisdom I hold and to be of service to other people. So I did that out of my yoga center, which is down my driveway. Left my life in California pretty dramatically, which I can talk about why. Did that a few years ago. And yeah, just chopping wood and carrying water, as they say.

SPEAKER_01: 8:55

Man, if I had a dollar for the amount of times I've heard that in the past two months, that is something that I must really look into, chop wood, carry water, because that has been coming to me too often in an irregular sense. Just me personally. So this podcast is basically for me.

SPEAKER_00: 9:16

Well, and it's for all of us, right? How do we stay connected to divine presence?

SPEAKER_02: 9:23

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 9:24

Doing mundane chores, right? I mean, that's what life is. We're in this body, we're in this, you know, third-dimensional reality. And our task is to embody the love of God in our humanness. And that is not easy to do. And if anybody tells you it's easy, they're lying to you. It requires devotion and discipline, not anything that this culture tends to celebrate. We celebrate quick fixes, and this is not one.

SPEAKER_01: 9:54

I love that you just said in the love of God. And I want to tap into that because you started this journey as a four-year-old where your mother made a great decision putting you into your meditation school. And I'm very partial to the four-year-old community because I have a son who is four. And I just transferred him into um a Christian school myself. And just watching that blossom has just been more of a gift to me, I feel like, than anything. And I will tell you, I wouldn't have um classified myself as a Christian two, three years ago. I wouldn't have done that. But knowing and reading and diving more in more into this realm and this world, I can't honestly, truthfully say I can be any other, like any other way as far as like with God, maybe not even as a Christian, but like with God, more so now, knowing about the meditation in the realms that, you know, like you just said, we're in this 3D. This is for everybody in this human experience. But with that, having like that love of God, it has been um a game changer. And I feel like it is for you too. And you came back to that.

SPEAKER_00: 11:18

Well, yeah, I mean, that's the point. That's why we exist, frankly. That was super clear to me the morning I awakened. So it was interesting how that happened. So here I am in San Francisco at this corporate meeting. And um anyway, there's a lot going on, a lot of dysfunction, a lot of darkness. I'm not afraid. I'm naming it. I'm, you know, kind of fighting the good fight at work in a way. So maybe that was part of what was going on. But I'm, you know, smoking my Marlboro lights and maybe having a shot of vodka before I have to go back down and present to executive whoever. And um, I just wanted a decent night's sleep. I was so stressed. My best friend had come to the meeting because she was interviewing in the city. Anyway, I just wanted to get a good night's sleep. And I woke up in the middle of the night and my eyes were still closed, but I was terrified. I knew someone was in my room. And then I opened my eyes, and there's that same entity that used that man that used to harass me as a kid, standing at the end of my bed. His hair is kind of long, looks a little like Jesus, like in between, like like a hippier version, like hippie like Woodstock kind of hippie. And his eyes, you know, his arms are crossed and he's kind of staring at me. And I sat up in bed and I just looked at him and said, It's you, it's only you, I'm not afraid of you. And I went back to sleep. And when I woke up in the morning, all I could feel was the love of God. I had nothing but forgiveness for my abusive stepfather, for the executives doing, you know, bad things. Yeah, I I just had nothing but love. And that actually transformed my stepdad because he's the only one that I could reach by phone. I didn't know how long my awakened state was going to last. And while I didn't feel urgent, I felt a desire to communicate back to my family, particularly my mom. And I couldn't reach her. And the only person I could reach was my stepfather, who was really the focal point of my trauma growing up. And yeah, I just told him how much I loved him and that I understood him and that I understood that it was his wounding, you know, that was driving his behavior. It was the trauma that he had known that I just loved him. And he dropped the phone and comes back a few seconds later. And he says, Well, Blonde Beauty, I don't have an explanation for this. But a golden eagle just landed on the crab apple tree in the backyard. And then he pauses again, comes back to the phone and says, Again, Reagan, I don't understand. There's now a red fox looking up at this eagle. Well, he's Comanche. He's a lot of other things, but he's Comanche. And, you know, in the indigenous traditions, the eagle is the divine, and a red fox is a noble messenger. So anyway, this violent man has been kind and gentle ever since, and that's been 30 years. Um yeah, energy does change things and the love that is God, you know, unfortunately, God is a triggering word for a lot of people. And uh even an institution like Christianity, you know, um, I mean, I could talk about that all day long. It's about Jesus, it's it's about what he taught, which is not dissimilar from what Krishna taught or Muhammad or Buddha. Uh, it's all about love. It is, you know, love your God with all your heart, love your neighbor as yourself, and love your enemies. That's the harder part.

SPEAKER_01: 14:59

That's so hard. That is the thing, because it's true, like hurt people do hurt people. And I feel like unless you can overcome with that forgiveness and that love, that innate knowing that you can love back. It's it doesn't break the cycle until like you have your sign. Or, you know, I think when you hurt someone and then they come back with pure forgiveness with a pure heart, and it's purity of I love you, even though XYZ happened however many years ago, that does would change somebody in an instant, you know, especially seeing some really cool animals outside, like kind of classifying that, you know, repaccinating it.

SPEAKER_00: 15:48

And to me, it was about the energy. It was about the energetics of what I was connected to and holding, lasted for about three years. And it was a wild ride. I mean, if anybody tells you a spiritual awakening is like unicorns and rainbows, they haven't had one. It is an absolute purge post-awakening of everything inside of you that is in the way of your direct conscious union with God. And so that's, you know, that's messy. For me, it certainly was. It's kind of like being trained to be a Jedi, you know, Luke Skywalker in that dark tunnel with, you know, Darth Vader and all the things that he's absolutely terrified of, all a construction of his mind and all there to teach him, can you hold the light in the presence of darkness, particularly your own? Because if you can't love that and accept all of that, you certainly can't do that for anybody else. Absolutely. Yeah. So I learned that without a handbook, there is not a post-awakening handbook that I have found. If you happen to know one, that'd be good to have. And I just, you know, I just figured it out as I went along. I had a dear friend who was a Christian mystic who led uh a unity church. And my school began in the basement of the local unity church. Anyway, he was helpful. We were kind of like a sanity check. But when I finally learned how to embody unconditional divine love in the presence of demonic forces that were coming at me, they stopped coming.

SPEAKER_01: 17:32

This is just the most divine timing for all of it. And yeah, I would definitely agree. Like when it when you can fully embody like that full-on love, full-on forgiveness, like it does, it quits. It's like you're untouchable. That's and then how do you get to be a steward of that? And you you're so tender with it, and but yet sharing and giving with all of that. So, what's your playbook after if you were to write one?

SPEAKER_00: 18:03

Every day is a new day to to return to presence. I'm a human being. It's not like every day is this perfect samadhi. Every day you work at it. And there's always more. There's always more to heal, there's always more to understand. The heart, you know, like is infinite in its presence. So you never, you're never gonna fully know. Not in this dimension, anyway, I don't think. But can you be in the process every day of trying to remember? Yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 18:42

And watch your main modality for that. Is it prayer, meditation, both?

SPEAKER_00: 18:48

Yeah. Prayer and meditation, and and not a singular event. I mean, I I I would say if I had to count how many times I said a prayer throughout the course of a day, right? It's not this singular event. It is this ongoing, awakened consciousness. So sometimes I might sit, you know, for quite a while, sometimes not at all. But it doesn't mean as if I am disconnected from that presence, right? It's always a relationship that I am always trying to be conscious of, right? And to embody as best I can. And some days are, you know, easier than others. But it's the intending, yes, that matters, that matters. You know, sometimes you'll have a blissful day and some days you won't. And that's okay. There's more learning in the suffering anyway. Um, yeah. And so just knowing what the felt sense of that is, right? What does it feel like to be consciously connected to God? Because there is a felt sense to it. Um, you know, if you're more auditory. What is the sound of that energy, that intelligence, that quality of love? What does it have to say? And do you have the inner conditions to hear it? Because it's always there. The only thing that's variable is you. So knowing what the audible voice is, right? Because we have we hear inner dialogue all day long. And if anybody says they don't, well, then they're really not aware, self-aware at all. You know, the more you meditate, the quieter this gets, and you learn how to turn it on and off and up and down. But it is, I mean, something like yoga, right? The whole point of asana is just to create the inner conditions for meditation. That's part of it, right? It's like you're having, you're wanting to have this important conversation in a loud room. Yeah. So learning how to quiet that and then learning how to be guided by that, and then having the courage and the and the clear seeing to act from that place. Right? It's not just feeling it and connecting to it. The only thing that matters is your behavior.

SPEAKER_01: 21:12

I love that. Like that is literally the hook, line, and sinker to all of it. It is your behavior. You can talk your talk all day long, but walking the walk is totally different. And when you're bombarded and getting hijacked left and right, it's hard to stay on your path, on your, for lack of better words, straight and narrow. That's not a straight and narrow at all. So, or weaving in and out of it of what all may come.

SPEAKER_00: 21:41

Yeah, and as as Jesus said, narrow is the way.

SPEAKER_01: 21:45

But you had an experience, and I want you sort of kind of tapped on it, but I want you to tap on it or dive into that. Where after you had your full your visitor in the night, something else happened to get you where you are today.

SPEAKER_00: 22:03

Well, that was much later. Yeah. So I'm old. Okay. I mean, I'm I'm gonna be 59 in a few weeks. So I don't know. I'm getting up there. So that awakening happened at 27. Gotcha. Okay. But having moments of clear seeing, clear access, right? Had a lot of those between 27 and 50 almost nine. But almost four years ago, I was working on my book. Um, I was in Santa Cruz, California at the time. I'd built a life there for 25 years, first to be staff at the Heart Math Institute at their headquarters in the Santa Cruz Mountains, and then yeah, then the rest of the rest of it, right? Anyway, so we had a rather dystopian response to the COVID virus in California. We were locked down basically for two years on and off. That's a whole other podcast. But anyway, I just needed to get away from from the home. I needed quiet. And so I rented an Airbnb in Joshua Tree, which is in the high desert outside of Palm Springs, known kind of for the powerful energetics of the place. If you've never been, I highly recommend it. But anyway, so there I was in the middle of nowhere working on tragic magic. And I would have a particular prayer and ritual before I would sit down to write. And so here I am, put the fire on. It was December of 21. I was chilly. And in that quiet, the trusted voice said, You must urgently move home. That was it. No explanation, definitely urgent in choice of word, but you know, no fear in the transmission. That's not how this works. But I knew the truth of it. So I came out of meditation and looked to see if I had enough bars on my phone to make a phone call. Because literally I'm in the middle of the high desert. I do. The first call I make is to a realtor in St. Louis, Missouri. That's home. I said, Andrea, God says I have to urgently move home. I do what I'm told. So I'm flying out of Palm Springs in the morning. Will you find, you know, help me find where God wants me to be? She's like, Yeah, sure. Second phone call was to my husband. God says I need to urgently move home. So he didn't question it. He went right on Southwest, figured out how to use points to get me from Palm Springs to St. Louis the following morning. He's like, I'm not getting in the way of you and God. I just he's like, I just want to be with you. I don't care where I am. He knows that's a good attitude to have because we literally lived on the beach in Monterey Bay in a resort neighborhood. Wow. It's a big ask, but he's like, yeah, he doesn't hesitate. So I'm looking in St. Louis the following morning and afternoon, and it just doesn't feel right. This is home. St. Louis is home, but I'm like, this is where God wants me to be. So I got quiet at dinner with my friend, the realtor, and I received Franklin County. So I tell my friend, I said, God says Franklin County. So we widen the search on the MLS to find where I now live, which is about an hour west of St. Louis, out in the country. So I got 10 acres here, beautiful place. Anyway, so we sell our home quickly, you know, told to urgently move home in December. It's March, and we're in rural Missouri. Everybody thinks, you know, I'm Cuckoo's Cocoa Puffs. Like, who's telling Reagan doing what? And my son, he was cute. He's like, Mom, I don't know who you're connected to, but I don't know why they would say this. Um, I'm teaching yoga on my back lawn as an act of service, getting to know people, you know. I mean, I didn't know a single person. And so I'm teaching yoga. I'm getting a vision and downloads for this huge building that was a garage that I now have as my yoga center. Just, you know, doing that big energy directs. I don't like to say big guy because he's not a man. Anyway, that's a whole other podcast. Anyway, it's it's another day. And in meditation, I'm told uh to urgently go to a doctor. So urgents in both messages. So I look on Google, I find a country doctor, he can see me the next day. That's the gift of living in a small town. What do doctors do when you see them? They listen to your heart. And he just looked at me and goes, Reagan, something's wrong. There's a really loud murmur. We need to get you uh scheduled for an echocardiogram as quickly as we can, which was the following day. And the day after that is the day I learned I was dying and that I had a congenital heart defect. And the only solution was open heart surgery to replace my aortic valve, which had become highly calcified. And the reason God told me to urgently move home is Barnes Hospital, where I was born in St. Louis, would be the go-to hospital here for anything big, uh, just happens to be one of the best places in the world for aortic valve replacement. So that happened on a Friday morning in July of 22, right? So December 21, I'm told to go home, get here. I don't know, two months after I got here, then I'm getting cut open. And I had no fear. I don't fear death. And uh, I can certainly share with the listeners why that is. It's hard on my family. You know, it seemed all very sudden and very serious. I wrote letters to my sons, uh, and I wrote letters to my surgical team and brought them gifts that fateful morning, July 29th. And I was cleared from the ICU the following morning, and I was home by Tuesday. And come Tuesday, Ralph Damiano, the head of all of it at Barnes, the head of cardiothoracic surgery, kind of pats my leg playfully and looks at me and says, Reagan, there is no medical explanation of you. Medically, there's no reason why you were alive prior to the surgery. It was the worst aortic valve you'd ever seen in a 40-year career. And if you have less than 0.2 centimeters, which isn't a lot of room, for blood to flow through your aortic valve, it's considered not capable of sustaining life. And that's what mine was. And I was teaching yoga. So anyway, in response to his, you know, statement, um, I said, Do you believe in Jesus Christ? He said, I do. I said, Well, that's the only explanation I have. And then months later, I was at a funeral for that Christian mystic friend of mine that I referenced at the beginning. He died suddenly. And I just wanted to, you know, celebrate him. He was such a dear friend, and I was devastated. Anyway, I just wanted to go to the beach after the funeral, and this is how traditional Christian I am. It was Palm Sunday, and I had to Google what is Palm Sunday. Big and sometime, I don't know when, but I went to go to the beach. I just wanted to be in the sunshine, and my husband had sweetly bought me a bathing suit with a zipper so I could cover up my scar to protect it from the sun. So I didn't have any clothes on. I was, you know, getting ready to go. And I see myself in the mirror and I'm like, my scar looks different. And I get a little closer, and sure enough, I don't know when it happened. I was looking at it every day, but I have a crucifix on my chest. And I showed that to my surgeon. He wept. And he said, Well, Reagan, that's another miracle because it's a vertical cut. So I, you know, that's just that's just what's happened to me. Uh, I am not a traditional Christian. I could speak about that all day long, but I am absolutely a student of Yeshua. That is his name. We don't, we don't even, you know, call him by his n his name. And uh, you know, he taught the law of one. He taught that. Everything else, Christian doctrine, half of it in the New Testament, is what Paul thought and said. I don't follow the teachings of Paul. I follow the teachings of Jesus or Yeshua, and they're very different teachings. Wow. I felt all of that. Like whole chills, all of it.

SPEAKER_01: 30:31

I'm like, wow, I don't even know what to even say. That was that's just such a powerful story. I mean, like, that was your life. Absolutely remarkable. And so now you take this and you get to live out what?

SPEAKER_00: 30:48

What do you do with your gift? You embody it as best you can every day. It's it's not about the what. You know, we get hung up on what we're doing, you know, for a living or whatever. Not that that doesn't matter, of course it does, but it's the how. Yeah. It's how you treat everyone. Am I perfect? That of course not. Do I still have work to do? Of course I do. But the but the aim is the same. Yeah. Right. And so can I just embody what I know? Yeah. And every day. Every day, and just hold that. You know, I I for a while I was caught up in the in the what. So I was, you know, creating a lot of content. And I was on Instagram, you know, doing this video and that video. And I got quiet, like I always do. And I'm because I was just beginning to feel like that's not no. And God was like, it's not about any of that. It's about the energetics you hold. That's how you change the world. It's not what you say. Nobody is gonna do a darn thing based on what you say, if it were only that easy. And in fact, my my dear brilliant mother, when I told her that I had this opportunity to be part of the teaching staff at the HeartMath Institute and, you know, teach executive renewal and inner quality management. I mean, I thought I had arrived in my in my spiritual vocation, right? With all the, I think a little bit of ego that I didn't even know I was holding about it at the time, right? And my mom, in her clarity, just looks at me and goes, you know what, honey? Nobody's gonna change because they go to your workshop. Dang. And she and she's right. And she didn't say that to take anything away from me. It was more, I mean, she struggled. She knew that she wasn't disciplined. She had all the right books, she had a guru that I met when I was seven, you know, like all the things. None of that is where it's at. It's through discipline practice. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe you need to see a video or read some of the New Testament or the Gnostic Gospels or the Vedas or the Gita, you know, or the Quran, like whatever it is. Maybe so. But at the end of the day, that's not what informs a moment. It's your energetic choice. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 33:19

Yeah. It's always like an intuition-led, I mean, path is what I feel. And you can speak to your story, you can speak to my story. We all have our own stories of how we've arrived and said places that we are in this time and space at the moment. But I do feel like for it to even begin to make sense, you can't talk an into somebody. They would have to, it's kind of like uh quitting alcohol, for example, if I can even use that example. But it's like you can't really have an intervention or force someone to go to AA. That's got to be their decision to change and their decision to make those tiny steps moving forward. But like I love being an example about it. Like that's the calling for me. Like just being an example of how you can make these tiny shifts and what that feels and looks like. And then you look back and 30 days later, you're like, wow, that really does work, or that really did help me. And I really do feel like I've embodied something new and positive in my life.

SPEAKER_00: 34:29

Yeah, I mean, even Yeshua said, you know, you can't put new wine in old wineskins. So any new awareness that you have, that you read, that you hear, has to be embodied in a renewed container. Or that frequency, right, of that wisdom can't be held. Yeah. So yeah. So what you eat, right? How you treat your vessel, uh, knowing how to utilize the breath, right? All the things. Those are, I mean, that's why I love the yoga tradition so much, because it's an eight-point playbook for conscious union with God. And just like Yeshua's teachings, I mean, yoga, you know, now isn't what it was intended to be. You know, yoga for fitness or goat yoga or trapeze yoga or all the things. It's like, oh, that's something else. That ain't yoga, you know?

SPEAKER_01: 35:31

Yes. You got a mat. It must be yoga. Oh my gosh, it's so true. It's so true. Yeah, it's a hit or something else. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 35:42

Yeah, I'm I'm leaving a treat on Saturday here at my place about the eight limbs. I mean, a deeper dive into the eight limbs and also a deep dive into how each limb aligns beautifully with the teaching of Yeshua. I mean, it wasn't until I came to the Bible Belt that I heard that yoga leads to Satan and all sorts of things that you just don't hear. You just don't hear that in Santa Cruz, California.

SPEAKER_01: 36:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 36:10

I mean, you hear other things. So, anyway, there's just so much distortion.

SPEAKER_01: 36:15

There is. And it's like paganism and everything else. And like you would think there's just negative witchcraft. I live in the heart of Kentucky. I know exactly what you're saying. Like, I've been called it all.

SPEAKER_00: 36:29

Yeah. But but again, you know, sit down with any church leader, show them the eight limbs and say, okay, so which one are you protesting or taking issue with? I don't know how they could. But anyway, you know, everybody's just finding their way. And I don't claim to know. I just know that whatever I'm connected to saved my life. And that's been true more than once. I mean, that's the magic in my title, you know, tragic magic is all these moments of intervention you can't explain rationally.

SPEAKER_01: 37:03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 37:04

Um, and that's available to all of us. It's just, it's about what are you devoted to?

unknown: 37:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 37:10

And for a lot of people, it's the conventional program. They're devoted to making a living, to material acquisition, to their own comfort. You know? Um, I mean, I say on my website, life is a lot more than just waking, working, eating, being entertained, and sleeping. Yeah. But sadly, you know, a lot of people don't make time for much else. And then wonder why they feel so bad.

SPEAKER_01: 37:45

Yeah, or wake up at the end and like, where did my life go?

SPEAKER_00: 37:48

Yeah. Or, you know, the one thing you're guaranteed to experience, which is your own death, yet most people are completely unprepared. They're not at peace with themselves. They don't have a point of view that comforts them about what's next. Right. I mean, imagine how terrifying that would be. Yeah. I mean, I have nothing but compassion. I mean, it brings me to tears. I can't imagine. And I have people in my life that are quite sick right now. And I know they, you know, don't have the same things to lean on. Yeah. I could name a few as well. Yeah. And it's like, it's like, get started. Don't wait till you're facing death to figure that out. Have that then be this expanse of time, right? Like being it now. Yeah. Of really just upping the presence because you don't have a lot of time in this shell. You know, you're running out of time in the shell. But newsflash, you live forever, just not the body. Right. Right.

SPEAKER_01: 38:58

So when you have your retreats, are they all always at your uh yoga center or do you travel with them?

SPEAKER_00: 39:05

I mean, I guess I could and probably should. Yeah, I mean, that might be fun to go somewhere warm as I look at the snow out these windows. Yeah, let me, you're not the first to ask me about that. I mean, it'd be fun just to have a retreat if half the podcast hosts that I've had conversations with over the last year, if it was just us, that would be remarkable. Count me in. I mean, I I've had such beautiful conversations with such beautiful people. I didn't know that I needed it as much as I did. It's, you know, it's been a transition, certainly living where I do. And it's lonely. It can be.

SPEAKER_01: 39:46

It can be. I find your story just so uncanny to how I need and what I needed to hear, especially like again, like right now in my life. It is just so much fun putting. This synchronicity on top of what is all of already existing for me. But what I love the most is you had that visit, and you were 27, and I had a similar type experience when I was 33. And it was just like you will listen to me now type thing. And it was in the middle of the night, like I woke up, made eye contact with it, and then just was like, whatever, go back to bed type thing. And it was just like I can't unsee it anymore. I can't continue in the way that I'm continuing anymore. Like it was just like a stopgap. Nothing was allowed this to be the same from then on out. And I was actually pregnant at the time. So I thought, well, I'll move. So move to another house. But my dreams and what was going on was my dreams were like, no, you will move, you will move back to where you came from. I was in the city. And I was like, I don't want to move back. I don't want to go there. So that's not really an option. But every single time it was like I was haunted by my dreams. It was like I had to go back. And I had my son, and I and in another type of dream scenario, I was like, you will not have him here in the city, you will have him at home. So I was conceded to that. So I transferred doctors like four weeks before he was born, did all the things, and just to find out two days before he was born that he was breached, right? So having that, not no preparation or anything, but it was like, oh, I was supposed to be with this doctor who is sought out out of the entire world and trusted people from other countries come here just to have their babies with him. And it's wild, right? So then I'm still having the dream to move back, move back, move back. Well, ended up. I did. And he was six months, but long story short, all of this like synchronicities and things have just kind of like landed, and there was no turning back to having this old lifestyle anymore. And I had to redo and reimagine everything I am. Rebirth, basically, from friends to my lover type to family, my career, all of it. It is just shed. So when you are in that, was that this year, and I don't know if you are um in tune to any of this, but like knowing that this was the year of the snake, for example, in 2025. Now you go through this shedding. Was there anything in particular with this year, since we are kind of at the end of the year, that was like real monumental that gets to keep growing in for next year?

SPEAKER_00: 43:02

Yes. In that I'm spending more time remembering other times. Yeah. So um, I mean, that's always kind of come in flashes, and I I mean, I always had sort of a certain awake understanding of who I've been um and what I've known. But yeah, I would say this year has been more of that. And so in um connecting to those times, right? Part of my soul history, you can't help but contrast it with how you're living right in this American life. You know, I've often asked the question, what does a high priestess in this culture look like?

SPEAKER_01: 43:51

I have not asked that, but now I want to.

SPEAKER_00: 43:54

Yeah, and it's I don't believe it's, you know, sitting under a tree waiting for your, you know, initiates to come and hang out with you. This culture needs a different approach. So yeah, I'm just in that question a lot, but again, going back to the wood and water, right? It informs just what you choose to embody because it's always choice. I know people think that they're not making choices in this regard, but they are. So I'm just choosing to, I don't know, become more aligned with the integrity of who I've been, because I haven't always been great this time around, is Reagan. I mean, I write about that pretty openly in my book. And who knows in those other times in my soul history. You know, I mean, we're all, I think we're always a mixed bag. Yeah. And and I'm taking comfort in that because I do believe, just like COVID was pretty dystopian. And, you know, there's a lot of ways to look at at that time in our history, but it's getting darker. I mean, it's getting, it's, it's more and more the kind of spiritual warfare that these, you know, ancient books have talked about. And so we all have our part. And, you know, if you think about it kind of like a video game, you know, people talk about the matrix or whatever. I I don't care about that, but whatever this is, you need to consciously decide who do you want to be? Right. What character running in this program do you want to be? And, you know, most people want to be a good guy, right? They don't want to be a bad guy. Most people want to be a good guy or they want to be the hero. Well, you know what? If that's true, you got work to do. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 45:45

It's not free.

SPEAKER_00: 45:46

And it's not easy. And we are going to need more and more people to awaken to the truth of who they are. That's how we get through what's coming. And we find a way to unify energetically through this, you know, commitment and devotion to embodying the love of God and having no fear.

SPEAKER_01: 46:12

That is such a powerful thing that I think oftentimes gets overlooked in words like truth, like love, for example. You know, you can throw it at the wall these days and see what sticks, type words, but to be in it and be of it, like walk in the walk, be bad about it type thing, like be in the truth and be yourself in an authentic way in love, in love with God and showing that in this entire soul to form the souls. It's taking this as a energetic shift. It's taking it as a community, like having to come into this together.

SPEAKER_00: 46:55

Well, and I mean, it begins with energetic responsibility. Yeah. Right? Like, like that's where it starts and ends, actually. Yeah. And it isn't easy. And there's a lot here designed to keep you from it. Everything from how we educate, you know, people, I mean, all of it. None of it is designed to awaken you. And institutions are not going to educate you in such a way that you have the information you need to overthrow them. Right. That that's not what you're going to get. You're going to get, you know, the program to, you know, sit down, shut up, do what you're told. That hits. And and people also mistake thinking that someone who's awakened is like just universally, you know, just sweet as can be. Well, no, like Jesus went in the temple, saw the corruption, and that's when he really got in trouble, is when he decided to take that on, right? The the the spiritual corruption. And by the way, have you noticed? I mean, there's plenty of that. And so to have discernment and to have this direct relationship and to embody it as best you can, and to be fearless. Fearless to be your awakened self in a culture that wants you asleep and compliant. Wow. Hit the money. Yeah. Tell me more. I mean, I think COVID was a dry run. I think COVID was a dry run. You know, and sadly, more than 70% of people worldwide elected to get this for all sorts of reasons. Many of whom it was either lose your job or, you know, I mean, I get it. I understand it. I have compassion for it. And we were awfully compliant awfully quickly. Yeah. And those that weren't, you know, were were vilified. Yeah. Were excluded, right? Like all the things. So, you know, like just look at it, you know, just open your heart and look at that time in history and maybe just ask your higher self. What was that? Because digital ID's coming. It's already in the UK as a right to work. I canceled two trips to Europe because of the biometric collection of the things they're doing as of October 12th. I'm like, you know what? Not playing. I don't have any illusions about keeping any of this from happening. But I can be principled for myself and say, you know what? I'm not playing. Yeah. Which may mean if John was right as he was hallucinating on that island in exile and wrote Revelation, like if he's right, you know, that mark of the beast could very well be this digital idea where you can't buy or sell without it. Wow.

SPEAKER_01: 49:54

My mom always has said, like, she's just like, read the Bible, you'll know what's coming. Like, yeah, it's just, it's there. It's in hidden in plain sight, you know.

SPEAKER_00: 50:06

Well, I don't know. Humans had a lot to do with what ended up in that book. Yeah. Yeah, they did. I think everybody has to understand that it reflects an editorial process. And there's a lot of differing points of view about it all, particularly about what Jesus taught that didn't make it into that book. That wasn't there, exactly. The things that didn't get to go in. But were hidden in a jar in Egypt and found in 1945. So just like today, it probably makes sense to read the information that institutions are trying to censor. It probably makes sense to look at sacraments and points of view about the early followers of Jesus and what they remember learning, because something like the Gospel of Thomas has uh a pretty different feeling quality to it. It's pretty mystical and it's pretty much about inner transmutation. Interesting.

unknown: 51:07

Wow.

SPEAKER_00: 51:07

And the Dead Sea Scrolls, too. Yeah. Um again, all those things were protected, right? I mean, in the in the early, you know, after Yeshua was killed, yeah, those earliest followers, the Essenes, you know, a very devotional sect of Judaism. Anyway, I mean, Jesus wanted his brother James to carry on his ministry. Most Christians don't even know who James is, or that Jesus had a brother. And Paul, a guy that comes on the scene 30 years later, who doesn't know Jesus, didn't walk with him, but claims to know him and has a doctrine that's very different from what Yeshua taught. Then writes the whole thing. And writes half of the book. You know, like anyway. Um I think, yeah. And then so going back to that question about the snake and and this year, I really will say this year has all been about my devotional exploration of the truth of those times. Who was Yeshua? What did he really teach? And what was going on historically, right? So hearing from a, you know, a number of different points of view about that, and then spending time with that Christ consciousness that he embodied, as did Mary Magdalene, right? Taking that in as best I can and just kind of feeling my way to what feels true and what doesn't. So, you know, I wrote an essay on Substack. I've lost some friends recently about all this, which I believe in. Fascinating to me. But I wrote two essays on Substack. I mean, I've written a lot more than that. But one was, I love Jesus and I'm not a Christian. And the other was, what if Paul was the false prophet that Jesus warned his disciples about? Dang. He said, somebody's coming, they're gonna claim to represent me. And look at the fruits of that person, not their words. And Paul was a guy that was responsible for the actual murdering of the earliest followers of Yeshua. That's even in the Bible, right? Some of the truth of that. Yeah, some of the truth of that made it in. And then he has this, you know, awakening and claims to get a new gospel from Yeshua. Okay. I mean, if that helps you be a better person, like great. It's not my truth. I could talk to you for hours. Now I want to. And it's just like, you know, when Jesus was on the cross, if he was dying for us, don't you think he would have said so? As he's bleeding out. But he says, forgive them, for they know not what they do. I mean, he was against blood sacrifice in the temple. That's why he, you know, threw over those tables. He was like, you know, have mercy, not sacrifice. But then he's the blood sacrifice. This doesn't make any sense. But, you know, that's not gonna win over, you know, yeah, a bunch of people that, you know, have been indoctrinated to to believe something else. And that's okay.

SPEAKER_01: 54:27

You know, if if your doctrine helps you be loving and kind, compassionate, merciful, generous, I think a lot of that too is a fear of dismantling the loyalties that you learn as a child. A lot of this Bible belt, so to speak, um, is a lot of loyalties that you learn. And it's loyalties that maybe perhaps God is um a mean God, or He's um punishing type of God, um, a judgment type of God who is gonna damn you to hell or damn you to heaven or whatever that is gonna be. And I just don't like that ideology at all and that whole methodology because it's just not something I get on board with.

SPEAKER_00: 55:20

I don't see It's just not the God that I have a direct relationship with. I mean, I said this to a Pentecostal pastor recently. Like the God I'm connected to would never require a blood sacrifice for any reason. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 55:37

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 55:38

That's just not, yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 55:39

Yeah. And it's not that um he's gonna sit here and judge you on who's gonna come in or not. I think you can have your heaven and hell in your human experience. I think that's what people do. So it's not you live so much for this afterlife when the whole purpose is this presence and this moment, like right the right now.

SPEAKER_00: 56:02

Yeah, and and your actions matter. I mean, that's another thing that Paul changed. He's like, Oh, don't worry about that. Say he's your Lord and Savior, and just go repent on Sunday. Yeah, and and and have faith, and you're and you're good. And Jesus is like, no, no, no, no. It's all about what you choose to do. Yeah, it's all about the do. And that's the hard part. There's there's nothing difficult to, you know, proclamate, you know, to proclaim something.

SPEAKER_01: 56:32

Right. It just comes back to that action, like that brought us here in the first place.

SPEAKER_00: 56:38

Yeah. And you know, if your faith and your relationship with God has you kinder, more loving, more generous, more compassionate, more forgiving. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 56:51

Great. Wow. So for my listeners, you have a book and tragic magic.

SPEAKER_00: 57:02

They can find that on Amazon or Barnes and Noble, either as a paperback or an ebook. There's some, yeah. And and if they just want to stay current with my writing, I'm, you know, not doing any content creation right now on Instagram or Facebook. I'm taking a long, maybe forever break. Good for you. And I'm just writing on Substack. I have a small following. It doesn't cost you anything, but I just feel like long form these times require it. There, there's not much I can say in a short grab your attention Instagram reel. I mean, maybe there is, but I just I've been guided to write. So that's what I've been doing.

SPEAKER_01: 57:47

Honestly, I feel like that's why I have this podcast, is just to move into more meaningful conversations and less look at me for two seconds. Uh no, I want to have a full-on conversation, something that means something to me. And if it means something to me, it means something to more people. And that's me being in the business of myself, having these real conversations about real things going on.

SPEAKER_00: 58:15

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 58:16

Yeah. I really appreciate you here today. It has been so lovely getting to talk to you and being in your presence. Like, this is just great. You are such a light. Like I can feel it. I could totally feel it. So thank you so much for being with us today.

SPEAKER_00: 58:34

Well, thanks for having me.

SPEAKER_01: 58:36

You're welcome. Wasn't she absolutely remarkable? I love love listening to that. And I do feel that it is uh I encourage you to check out. I encourage you to keep like this. So that's any more time a hundred percent. I do hope that you would hear this podcast if you think of someone because anyway. And if you love it, please give us some stars and write a review. And just thank you so much for showing up with your time. It's the most valuable form of currency. So let's bring it in. And after an inhale, bring it to a gnome. The light in me sees and honors the light in each of you as we share the same light. Namaste.